Tuesday, August 22, 2006
| ' | Two Fine Lines | ' |
Look at me; I am wounded and nude,
It’s me and YOU, or just the solitude;
Illusions to complete me; is that just,
In YOURS, my world I discovered, yet that’s all lost.
Listen and heed the heartbeats;
Listen and heed the song of nights;
Hid in the delicacy of shadows;
Listen and heed what the night says.
Night has come with desires nameless and many,
She narrates a hundred woes; I listen to her epiphany;
Night untwined, unabashed stripped her cloak,
Pearls scattered as it were; am naked still as I pick.
Some spells in words as she chants;
Alit in my eyes many a lamps,
Some spells in words, YOU please chant;
But before YOU could, night has poured out.
Kissed by the day and overcast with desolation
Days went lonely and nights sans YOU,
Art perfumed for; YOU art, my companion;
And now I am incomplete without YOU.
But now I think I have learned,
The act of art of living well earned;
Time flew and my living well pretended,
Beauty of life; I well enacted.
Then why do I need a Midas touch?
Though whelming was YOUR lips-touch;
Between kisses I had to be caught;
Of a fine crescent I know I am short.
But still I beg -just a Midas touch, as a human I need cure;
I need those hands, whose touch glorifies me for sure.
I know I am devoid of those hands and of rhymes;
So please, anybody, please give me at least my two fine lines.
Comments:
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Don't beg for fine lines.....u can earn them......:)
'Night has come with desires nameless and many, She narrates a hundred woes; I listen to her epiphany;'
rings a bell in my mind....:)
'Night untwined, unabashed striped her cloak,'
dyu mean 'stripped' ?? dat wd make a better wrd der.....
beautiful expression of raw emotion. U r begging for happiness....d same thing wich can b found deep inside U. But being naked & wounded, U r unable to delve in2 d depths of urself to discover happiness....
& even if u do delve, u find sorrow, loneliness & unfulfilled dreams......
dese r d same things......wich hav brought ur heart to pour out beautifully on2 ur blog.....
God bless U......
& i m grateful to God.....for making both sorrow & happiness......so beautiful....
& for chaining dem....in an infinite cycle.....
'Night has come with desires nameless and many, She narrates a hundred woes; I listen to her epiphany;'
rings a bell in my mind....:)
'Night untwined, unabashed striped her cloak,'
dyu mean 'stripped' ?? dat wd make a better wrd der.....
beautiful expression of raw emotion. U r begging for happiness....d same thing wich can b found deep inside U. But being naked & wounded, U r unable to delve in2 d depths of urself to discover happiness....
& even if u do delve, u find sorrow, loneliness & unfulfilled dreams......
dese r d same things......wich hav brought ur heart to pour out beautifully on2 ur blog.....
God bless U......
& i m grateful to God.....for making both sorrow & happiness......so beautiful....
& for chaining dem....in an infinite cycle.....
Hi ashu, this is k...e.,nice composition , has made me pensive, can I give u the two lines of my side tomorrow :) ?
# posted by 
: 9:59 PM, August 22, 2006
: 9:59 PM, August 22, 2006
hmmm....:D
me witnessing a budding rose evolving day by day...each line rings a thousand bells in my ear..:D
mujhe maaf karna...i am able to give u nothing ..neither one fine line nor two fine lines...:D
me witnessing a budding rose evolving day by day...each line rings a thousand bells in my ear..:D
mujhe maaf karna...i am able to give u nothing ..neither one fine line nor two fine lines...:D
# posted by : 11:46 AM, August 23, 2006
: 11:46 AM, August 23, 2006
I have had just one look at your poem . I Think the more i read it the meaning would sink in much better. By the sound of it is I guess a rhetoric a pretty recluse one poured out from deep inside you and may be feeling of a loss which has I guess found a spacious corner in your heart.
I don't want to go into the the emotional aspect of the poemneither the philosophic one which are without doubt very nice and I guess heartfelt.I thought I would rather be a critic of the poem from a technical point of view. Not that I expect you to be expecting me to be so in my first comment. But because immediately few things stuck my mind about the poem. Like what with the beautiful words, allegories and metaphors you use in the poem they probably do convey the message they intend to. But point is one could do that with a prose to. Poem does have some rules although I agree english language does allow you much freedom in poetry compared to Indian languages say even our mother tongue oriya. But still we do follow some basic rules in poetry in english. Like there is fairly distinct line between prosaic poetry and rythmic ones.
I see you have clearly tried to create a rhyming one and rhyme I must say has been created very nicely. I donot complain about that. But the sound of the poem does not resonate with the mood of the poem. I feel the poem lacking in only that aspect. I am not asking you to follow some complex metric rule of poetry. All I say is you may try out few pretty basic and easy techniques of english poetry which are not that difficult to realise and understand nor much difficult to apply. What they do is give your poem the sound the feel of a particular atmosphere. And the poem conveys much more meaning.
A poem is not about just the words they say but also the sound it generates. They resonate in your mind keep rebounding from the walls of your cranium traverse the grey matter of your brain and everytime they do so they take on a new meaning. And that's why I love them and all love them.
Sorry for this rather acrimonious lecture. But I rather liked your poem from my heart. And I guess blogging has really helped your english vocabulary a lot. I had no idea that it had improved this much. You are superb in that and really appropriate use of your words. I really admire that.
But if I could be of any little help to you I would be much happier. I don't know how much old days poems and modern ones do you study critically. If you do you should know about the things I am about to suggest. But in any case I am telling those from my own rather limited knowledge of poems. you see there are few techniques like "alliteration", "assonancs", "consonance" etc. these are very helpful in setting up the mood of the poem. Again there using "sibilant" words those that create a "sssss..." sound, particularly useful in melancholy and eerie atmosphere.I think you can use these things more to make your poems better. And I suggest you read 'Break, break, break' by Lord Tennyson and walter da le mare's "The Listeners". They are superb in creating sound effect not just by these techniques but by also giving a subjective picture of the place they are reffering to in the poem, by the sea coast in one and in a dense jungle in the other.
But if you intend to write just for your heart's content without giving a damn about your technique I assure you you are right up there. Good luck in your further forays into the world of poetry.
I don't want to go into the the emotional aspect of the poemneither the philosophic one which are without doubt very nice and I guess heartfelt.I thought I would rather be a critic of the poem from a technical point of view. Not that I expect you to be expecting me to be so in my first comment. But because immediately few things stuck my mind about the poem. Like what with the beautiful words, allegories and metaphors you use in the poem they probably do convey the message they intend to. But point is one could do that with a prose to. Poem does have some rules although I agree english language does allow you much freedom in poetry compared to Indian languages say even our mother tongue oriya. But still we do follow some basic rules in poetry in english. Like there is fairly distinct line between prosaic poetry and rythmic ones.
I see you have clearly tried to create a rhyming one and rhyme I must say has been created very nicely. I donot complain about that. But the sound of the poem does not resonate with the mood of the poem. I feel the poem lacking in only that aspect. I am not asking you to follow some complex metric rule of poetry. All I say is you may try out few pretty basic and easy techniques of english poetry which are not that difficult to realise and understand nor much difficult to apply. What they do is give your poem the sound the feel of a particular atmosphere. And the poem conveys much more meaning.
A poem is not about just the words they say but also the sound it generates. They resonate in your mind keep rebounding from the walls of your cranium traverse the grey matter of your brain and everytime they do so they take on a new meaning. And that's why I love them and all love them.
Sorry for this rather acrimonious lecture. But I rather liked your poem from my heart. And I guess blogging has really helped your english vocabulary a lot. I had no idea that it had improved this much. You are superb in that and really appropriate use of your words. I really admire that.
But if I could be of any little help to you I would be much happier. I don't know how much old days poems and modern ones do you study critically. If you do you should know about the things I am about to suggest. But in any case I am telling those from my own rather limited knowledge of poems. you see there are few techniques like "alliteration", "assonancs", "consonance" etc. these are very helpful in setting up the mood of the poem. Again there using "sibilant" words those that create a "sssss..." sound, particularly useful in melancholy and eerie atmosphere.I think you can use these things more to make your poems better. And I suggest you read 'Break, break, break' by Lord Tennyson and walter da le mare's "The Listeners". They are superb in creating sound effect not just by these techniques but by also giving a subjective picture of the place they are reffering to in the poem, by the sea coast in one and in a dense jungle in the other.
But if you intend to write just for your heart's content without giving a damn about your technique I assure you you are right up there. Good luck in your further forays into the world of poetry.
# posted by : 8:25 PM, August 23, 2006
: 8:25 PM, August 23, 2006
A most beautiful poem , caused me a lot of pain ,if u felt the same while writing it , then keep the pain . pain is often the midas touch that changes a man
thanx everybody ... i never wrote it for being read ... but yeah i publicised it on gtalk for being read ... anyways .. everybody thanx a lot ....
thanx anonumouses .... kabeer, bineet and pp
@ borna ... i never belived ur poem and said that pain is a compromise ... to love ... but now i mean that it is a part of life ....
anyways ... thanx a lot again
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thanx anonumouses .... kabeer, bineet and pp
@ borna ... i never belived ur poem and said that pain is a compromise ... to love ... but now i mean that it is a part of life ....
anyways ... thanx a lot again
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